Tag Archives: mes esprits de l’escalier

‘The things that we’re afraid of…’*

Standard

“Like it or not, you have become my confidante”

And I wished that I could say it back with the same certainty of mind, the same strength of spirit. I lay there and smiled a feeble smile, wondering at how we cross bridges, boundaries, lines without realizing it. How we wake up one day and realize we’re no longer on the outside looking into our own lives, but we are the main actors, stars of the play. And our dialogue is part-scripted, part-adlib. We can make it up as we go along – it’s okay.

I wished I had made up a beautiful line to fill the silence in that moment. But instead I held back, fixing even firmer my safety shackles of shame and fear- my familiar demons. You’re not my confidant, because I much prefer to hold things in and not tell you because then you would truly know who I am and I’m not sure that that is good thing.

You are not my confidant because if you ever went away, you would leave with a part of me and I am not sure how much of me I can give away without breaking apart.

You are not my confidant because I haven’t the same certainty of mind – no, I mull, I stew, I ponder, I play thought-squash with the friends inside my head until my head fills like soggy bread – and I haven’t your strength of spirit, even if you say I do.

I wished I had made up a beautiful line to fill our heavy silence. I wish I had asked you to teach me to share my thoughts.

*’…are gonna show us what we’re made of in the end’ – some Blessid Union of Souls lyrics